(A Valentine’s Story)
Y’see, Doc, I’ve had this headache for four years. Nonstop. Just about ready to bring me to my knees. Today it’s the absolute worst.
By the way, thanks for meeting me so early. I know you’re a busy man. I brought you some Starbucks. It’s nothing. Enjoy.
What’s that? No today’s been a really nice day. Except for the pain in my head. Didn’t have to go to work. Gave my Linda roses for Valentine’s. Lots and lots of roses. Can’t get her enough. Did I tell you? When we first met, I never thought she’d have anything to do with me. She’s everything I’m not. When I first saw her I understood she had qualities. Y’know? Certain qualities. I felt like the biggest clod next to her yet she made me feel like the most important man on earth, the only man that ever mattered.
Did you ever notice how the light was drawn to her?
I know I sound like an old fool.
Well, thank you, I try. I have cut back on the burgers. Still like a good steak now and then. Okay, okay, if you say so, I’m not that old.
I love Valentine’s Day, don’t you? It’s the one chance you have to tell your woman about feelings you have that you don’t talk about any other time. Even though she knows you love her. Does she know how it felt when she kissed me the first time? Like time had stopped? Or how scared I was to even touch her face?
See? I just haven’t got the words and it comes out stupid, but it’s okay to talk about those things on Valentine’s somehow. It’s okay to sound stupid. Maybe to even try writing a poem, I don’t know.
Why am I talking so much about her?
Well, Doc, you should know, she’s everything to me.
I know, we all make mistakes.
I heard about the boy they thought was partially deaf and he went to specialist after specialist, and none of them thought to check and see if there wasn’t something keeping the sound from getting to his eardrum. Finally, one day, the end of a Q-tip popped out while he was playing. Now the kid can hear fine. What a freakin’ buncha clowns they were, all those specialists, that can’t see a Q-tip lodged inside an ear? Gimme a break.
I know that’s a whole different deal. But she came to you five times. Five! And then she went to four different specialists. Doc, c’mon. It’s not like you guys aren’t paid enough. With the kinda dough you make, and the fact that human freakin’ lives are at stake, doncha think you could look kinda hard to maybe double check things? To think, gee, she’s hurtin’, maybe it ain’t just indigestion. Like, duh! Women might have hearts too. Huh? Whatta concept. You stupid piece of…. Sorry.
No, I’m not mad. Did I tell you what I do for a living, Doc? I’m kinda the anti-you. You have that Hippocratic oath. Well, I took an oath. I work for a special branch of, let’s just say it’s the government. I make very, very bad people, well, I make sure they have an early demise, if you catch my drift. I do it in a way that no one can tell. It looks natural. There’s no scandal. No international incident.
My one flaw, if you can call it that, is I get this splitting headache thinking about the scum I’m gonna void. You know what I mean? I get such a headache thinking about the bad stuff they’ve done and it builds and builds and doesn’t go away until after I’m done. Isn’t that weird? Four years ago when I buried my Linda, I had a spike a pain start right in the middle of my forehead. And as I read up on things and talked to some other doctors, the pain just swelled and swelled. You’re probably starting to get a bit of a headache now, too. You’ll have your’s the rest of you life. Don’t worry, it’ll be over soon. Yea, it was the coffee.
My headache’s starting to ease up a quite a bit.
Sorry you can’t hear me now, but I think I’m on the road to recovery. A visit to a few more doctors and I may be totally cured.